Taking the Kids to the Park

There are two entirely separate sets of rules for taking children to the park.

If you are a dad, just pack up the kids and go. If you have an infant, use a baby carrier (cool!), never a stroller (definitely not cool--and sports bars are generally not stroller accessible). Never mind about cumbersome add-ons like hats, sunscreen, extra diapers, snacks, water or weather-appropriate attire. They just weigh you down. Where you gonna park that diaper bag when you take your adorable chick-bait to Hooters for a pit stop? Besides, there's always some mom around who will be more than happy to assist you.

If you are a mom, things get more complicated. You must pack at least adequate drinks and snacks--kids get hungrier and thirstier than usual when breathing fresh air, swimming, wading at a splash pad, playing with other kids, and watching other kids eat the snacks you won't buy them. It's a good idea to pack extra snacks in case your children want to offer some to their friends or you meet a dad who is unprepared.

Make sure it's all litterless. You don't want to be the jerk with the juice boxes, or even worse, a BPA-leaching plastic bottle, so be sure to shell out $20 a pop for those miniature Sigg bottles.

Once you've got your snacks in place, you'll need to think of everything else: change of clothes for each child, bathing suits, baby wipes, diapers, swimming diapers, sunscreen, towels, sun hats, beach/picnic blanket, folding chairs, first aid kit, cell phone, camera, and toys. These items will take up at least a couple tote bags. Even if you only have one child, a double stroller is helpful to carry the stuff plus the groceries you will inevitably need to pick up on the way home.

If it all sounds like too much to handle, just remember that the alternative of staying in your cramped home on a sunny day is infinitely worse. Besides, you need the vitamin D.

Home Organizaton

Take it from me, I learned the hard way. I waited for my stuff to organize itself but stuff doesn't do that.

And don't just buy a labeler, boxes and files and let it all sit around. It just becomes more stuff.

Baskets, friends. This is all about baskets. Buy lots of them. If you're on a tight budget, you may wish to consider a second or third job so that you can afford to be organized. Or, you can use those giant cardboard boxes that the jumbo pack of diapers come in. They're ugly, though, and if you use enough of them your home will look just as jumbled and disorganized as before.

When you accumulate the desired number of baskets, put everything that's on the floor/bed/dining room table/counter tops/sofa/coffee table into the baskets. If desired, sort the stuff first. Another optional step is actually reading through and filing that pile of year-old bills before you toss it into a box. Remember, the goal is not to be a tidy accumulator. the goal is to be organized, minimalist, zen. You and your family can have a very full life with just a tatami mat, some polished stones and a bamboo shoot.

This work will be boring-- mind-numbing, even. Is a numb mind really a bad thing? You may experience intervals of lost time when you come across old letters and/or photographs. Don't be sidetracked. Decisions such as whether to keep or toss that scribble from your two-year-old can be agonizing. Music helps pass the time. Never think it's a good idea to do this stoned.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to create a system. Once your stuff is put into the boxes or baskets, put some sort of labels or color coding on it. This way, others will know how to do this work for you, and next time the house is a mess, you have someone other than yourself to blame.

Birthday party

Forget the clown, the DJ, and the princess-for-hire. Today's birthday parties are all about home- made, DIY, and keepin' it real financially. Trouble is, today's kids are like their parents: they want it all, even if it means putting the family into a lifetime of credit card debt. Your challenge as a parent is to throw an unforgettable birthday bash on a shoestring budget. No problem, if you follow these steps:

• Start planning three months in advance. This will give you ample time to reserve and check out all party planning books from your local library. And if you are a stay-at-home-parent, it will give you a sense of purpose.
• Have your child choose a theme. This provides focus, and today's kids need that!
• Invitations can be very expensive, so make your own. Origami is a good start.
• Learn to make animal balloons. Not as difficult as it sounds. Really try. Learn to make your favorite Disney character. Even SpongeBob can be accomplished with a little determination.
• Make a giant balloon arch. I mean really, really big. No, bigger! Start this project a week in advance. And keep it a secret, of course.
• As for the cake: Never. Serve. Store-bought. You need a sturdy cake that holds up to shaping, but it must also have a tender crumb. You will need many, many layers of it. Trans fat-free, nut-free, dairy-free, gluten-free--vegan is preferable. You can make a tasty cake from amaranth flour and carob. Don't forget the eggless custard filling! Bake in a Spiderman/Dora/etc. mold and decorate. This is going to be your crowning achievement. Don't blow it!
• Finally, loot bags. Load up on bouncy balls, bubbles, novelty pencils, hot lips, lollipops, gummy worms, stickers and other necessities at your local dollar store. 'Nuf said.

Stain removal

At some point, you have probably allowed your baby to "air out" after a bath, and crawl or run free while you and your spouse melt over baby's adorable naked bum--squeezing it, pinching it, patting it and taking photos which will later humiliate your child.

If you practice this often enough, your child will eventually bless your floor with the nastiest, soupiest turd imaginable. Then your two-year-old will drive a toy truck through it. Then, your five-year-old will point and laugh, which you should also do. (Just don't point and laugh at the baby). Your other options--rage, tears, or pretending not to see the turd and leaving it for your spouse to find--just don't get the job done.

So, to clean up the poop stain, follow these easy steps.

1. Locate your pet stain remover and odor neutralizer. You must always have some in the house--and I'm talking the really industrial-strength stuff they use for horse trailers. It smells like oranges.
   
2. If you have to dig through a closet for the stain remover or happen to find it buried under a two-week old pile of laundry--oh, lucky day!-- please see my post on home organization.
3. Locate your club soda. Mix some with vodka and drink it down.
   
4. Bring the rest of the club soda to the stain. Blot poop with paper towel or cloth. Pour on the club soda to bubble up the rest of the poop. Blot.
5. Continue pouring on soda and blotting until stain is an acceptable shade of brown. Your standards will lower with each child.
6. Pour on your stain remover and let the chemicals work their magic.
7. Don't forget to wash your hands! Or put a diaper on that baby!
8. Mix another drink and relax.