Stain removal

At some point, you have probably allowed your baby to "air out" after a bath, and crawl or run free while you and your spouse melt over baby's adorable naked bum--squeezing it, pinching it, patting it and taking photos which will later humiliate your child.

If you practice this often enough, your child will eventually bless your floor with the nastiest, soupiest turd imaginable. Then your two-year-old will drive a toy truck through it. Then, your five-year-old will point and laugh, which you should also do. (Just don't point and laugh at the baby). Your other options--rage, tears, or pretending not to see the turd and leaving it for your spouse to find--just don't get the job done.

So, to clean up the poop stain, follow these easy steps.

1. Locate your pet stain remover and odor neutralizer. You must always have some in the house--and I'm talking the really industrial-strength stuff they use for horse trailers. It smells like oranges.
   
2. If you have to dig through a closet for the stain remover or happen to find it buried under a two-week old pile of laundry--oh, lucky day!-- please see my post on home organization.
3. Locate your club soda. Mix some with vodka and drink it down.
   
4. Bring the rest of the club soda to the stain. Blot poop with paper towel or cloth. Pour on the club soda to bubble up the rest of the poop. Blot.
5. Continue pouring on soda and blotting until stain is an acceptable shade of brown. Your standards will lower with each child.
6. Pour on your stain remover and let the chemicals work their magic.
7. Don't forget to wash your hands! Or put a diaper on that baby!
8. Mix another drink and relax.